


Re:Abridgers

by Psyga315



Category: Re:CREATORS (Anime)
Genre: Abridged Series, Character Exaggeration, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, Sexual References, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2018-11-13 17:37:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11190036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psyga315/pseuds/Psyga315
Summary: So this is what happens when you take Re:creators, filter out all the exposition and dialogue heavy scenes, exaggerate the characters, and just watch the explosions fly.





	1. The F's A Waifu?

**Souta** : The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. Re:creators is property of Amazon, Troyca, Shogakukan, and Ei Aoki. Please support the official-

{As Souta was saying this, a girl ends up walking into a train that runs her over}

**VROOOOOOOOOOOM-SPLAT!**

**Souta** : HOLY SHI-

* * *

**Re:Abridgers**

* * *

**Souta:** Sooo… Um… Ignoring that… Hi! I’m Souta! Just an ordinary narrator! I’m definitely not the main character nor am I responsible for an oncoming shitstorm. Nope! Just a normal, _normal_ kid!

{Cuts to him in front of his computer, staring at a blank canvas}

 **Souta:** With writer’s block. Well! Off to a great start right now! Screw it, let’s see what’s on the iPad, which you can buy on Amazon.com for only sixty dollars!

{he opens his iPad and plays _Elemental Symphony of Vogelchevalier_.}

 **Souta:** This will get the good ol’ brainwaves going! Hmm… Perhaps I should draw Celesia in a bikini… Yeeessss… Oh, yeah, I have a sort of Waifu thing going on.

{the thing then glitches and gives him a Blue Screen of Death}

 **Souta:** What!? I thought iPads were made by Apple, not Microsoft… Not that you can buy a new Windows 10 for three easy payments of-

{screen turns into some weird cryptic shit that will drive fans to interpret it for days on end}

 **Souta:** What the shi-

{he drops it and suddenly he’s in the anime}

 **Souta:** OH MY GOD! It’s like one of my Isekai animes!

{Soon he sees the Vogelchevalier}

 **Souta:** AWESOME!

{He turns around and sees a woman in a black army trenchcoat}

 **Souta:** WAIFU GETSTAPO!

 **???:** W-what?! No! I mean, _yeah_ , that’s sort of the thing I was going for, but I’m not an actual… You know what, screw it. Look at my swords.

 **Souta:** Nice…

 **???:** Now look what I can do with it!

{she summons a gun and uses one of her swords to play it like a violin, digitizing Vogelchevalier in the process}

 **Celesia:** WHAT THE HELL!?

 **Souta:** AWESOME!

 **???:** Yep. Sure am. Though I _could_ be 20% cooler. Oh! I know! {spouts nonsense about the Holoscipion being omnipotent and reincarnation or stuff like that}

 **Celesia:** Oh will you shut the hell up!?

{??? Uses Razor Blades. It’s Not Very Effective.}

 **Celesia:** Oh, hey, random kid who can somehow walk on water!

{She goes and dives in to save Souta. As they did a slow dive, he and ??? exchange looks as [generic falling in love music plays](https://youtu.be/iFx-5PGLgb4?t=9s).}

 **Souta:** On that day, I was given a grim reminder that I will only fall in love with fictional characters with crazy, over the top appearances. I sometimes think she had that same feeling towards me.

 **Celesia:** The hell are you on about?

{Record needle scratch}

 **Souta:** Holy [EFF]! You can hear me!?

 **Celesia:** Of course I can hear you, dipshit. You’re talking outloud.

 **Souta:** Oh… Yeah, I have a tendency to do-

{they fall on the water}

 **Souta:** [OOF](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f49ELvryhao)!

{and digitize into the real world}

 **Souta:** Well that was a good fantasy. That’ll surely bring inspiration to my drawing!

 **Souta’s Mom** : Hey Souta!

 **Souta:** Hey mom.

 **Souta’s Mom** : So there’s a study that moms are more likely to die if they wear their hair in a ponytail, so I’m trying a new hairdo to increase my chances of survival.

 **Souta:** Mom, that’s only in the anime.

 **Souta’s Mom** : Well, how do you know that _this_ isn’t an anime?

 **Souta:** Because if it was, then I’d have a hot waifu waiting for me in my bedroom.

{He goes upstairs and sees Celesia with a sword drawn}

 **Souta:** Mom! We’re in an anime!

 **Souta’s Mom:** Okay! Be sure to watch out for any creepy giant naked smiling people!

 **Souta:** Oka-

{he gets held at sword point}

 **Souta:** … Mom! My waifu needs my attention!

 **Souta’s Mom** : Okay! Be sure to close the door!

{Celesia does exactly that, before pressing Souta up against the wall with a sword to his neck}

 **Souta:** Woah! I think it’s a bit too soon to introduce kinks!

{she knees his crotch}

 **Celesia:** Who _are_ you?

 **Souta:** Ooooh yeah!

 **Celesia:** TALK! Are you one of her allies? Where’s Charon? Where am I?

 **Souta:** Okay, I’m getting very mixed feelings here. Is Twenty Questions some sort of foreplay for you?

 **Celesia:** Talk, and you live!

 **Souta:** Oooooh crap, getting into third date territory here! Okay! Name’s Souta Mizushino, no I don’t know her but _damn_ is she hot, Charon’s I don’t know where and you’re on the planet Earth!

 **Celesia:** … That didn’t help me in the slightest. You mean Earthmelia?

 **Souta:** No. Earth!

 **Celesia:** Yeah, Earthmelia!

 **Souta:** N-no! I mean…

{he goes over to get one of his books}

 **Souta:** _This_ is Earthmelia. In this book, I mean.

 **Celesia:** I… Have literally no idea what you’re talking about.

 **Souta:** Well… Let me read you a verse from this book!

{he opens the book and reads it}

 **Souta:** He rubbed my back with such warm oils and whispered to me: “I will have your back now…”

 **Celesia:** WHAT!? HOW THE [EFF!] DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CHARON’S MASSAGE FOR ME!?

 **Souta:** It’s all in here! Chapter 16.5!

 **Celesia:** {reads it} … Oh God, it’s over… Somebody knows about me and Charon… Oooooh man…

 **Souta:** Hey, it’s not _that_ awful. People use it as a basis to support their ships of you and Charon and fanart is drawn of you and him. In fact, I can draw something up right now if you like.

 **Celesia:** Please no… I prefer not to be _more_ embarrassed than I already am.

{Suddenly Gestapo Waifu}

 **???** : Surprise, bitch.

{Celesia stabs the window and uses it to open it}

 **Celesia:** Who are you!?

 **???** : Come now, a good antagonist wouldn’t reveal who they are in the opening act. So I will just say this: I am not from the Avalon Brigade. I am merely the ambassador for the world of Anime.

 **Celesia:** Ambassador to what!?

 **???:** The Horrific Land of the Gods of Pleasure!

 **Celesia:** So… Dionysus?

 **???** : Join me, Celesia, and I will make your face the greatest in the land… Or else you will die!

 **Souta:** Really? First My Little Pony and now that horrible Zelda game? You really _are_ waifu material!

 **Celesia:** Yeah, [EFF!] that, we outta here!

* * *

{le streets}

 **Celesia:** Jacking this!

 **Random Dude:** Hey!

{She steals a car. She then drives it as [this song intensifies](https://youtu.be/dv13gl0a-FA?t=27s)}

 **Celesia:** Sweeet! Let’s see what this baby can do!

{she activates the wind wipers, which causes moments of silence}

 **Souta:** Hey… Nice stereo?

{they drive a bit}

 **Souta:** So far, my night has been a life changer. I met two beautiful women on the same night who all want me. This may be the start of a one cour anime where I have to pick between the two, but my choice will ultimately set the internet ablaze.

 **Celesia** : The [EFF!] are you talking about?

 **Souta:** Oh… I’m narrating again, am I?

 **Celesia:** Yeah…

{suddenly storm of blades as the [song kicks up into high gear](https://youtu.be/dv13gl0a-FA?t=3m29s). They soon drive out of the way and meet the Gestapo Waifu}

 **???:** Surprise bit-

 **Celesia:** OH SHUT UP!

{car crashes into her and it flips over}

 **???:** Now, if you may come with me, _both_ of you, then that’d be wonderful.

 **Celesia:** NEVER!

 **???:** At the risk of sounding cliché… Let’s do this the _hard_ way!

{le epic song plays as le epic fight plays, though as they’re about to have an epic clash, a missile comes and causes an explosion}

 **Meteora:** Sorry, I can’t help but notice an abundance of fighting in my presence.

 **???:** Oh, it’s _you_. Still haven’t found your Creator?

{she simply fires missiles at her, causing shit to blow up}

 **???:** I shall give you the time to find and reconcile with him before I play this world’s swan song. After all, an orchestra needs all the right players in check.

{she teleports away}

 **Meteora:** Well, now that _that’s_ taken care of.

 **Celesia:** Wait! What the hell is going on!?

{Meteora flies away}

 **Celesia:** Wait! I’m not done with you!

{cut to the entire city}

 **Celesia:** DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!

* * *

**Souta:** And that was just the beginning of my bizarre adventure. At first, I thought it would be over, but as I soon found out-

{he soon hears from inside his rom}

 **Celesia:** Oh God, he’s doing it again.

 **Meteora:** I like him. He’s my pace.

 **Souta:** The hell?

{he opens the door and sees Celesia and Meteora sitting down}

 **Souta:** And on that day, I was given yet _another_ grim reminder that I’m now living with _two_ waifus!

 **Celesia:** THE [EFF!]’S A WAIFU!?

* * *

{le end credits}

* * *

{le shop}

 **Shopkeeper:** Is that everything?

 **Meteora:** Yes, and _he’ll_ be paying for it.

 **Souta:** W-what!?

{le outside}

 **Celesia:** Come on! This is what a Waifu is according to Meteora! Someone a guy completely has to treat!

 **Souta:** T-that’s not what a Waifu is!

 **Meteora:** Sorry, but _who’s_ the genius here?

{she grabs the bag of snacks}

 **Meteora:** If you still can’t believe we’re here, right here right now, taking advantage of your presence, eating your snacks, and using your money, then you should put everything in reality into question, like whether that shop is real or if the money you paid was legit. Perhaps {she keeps rambling about her navel for a bit}

 **Celesia:** Oh God, she’s worse than _you!_

 **Meteora:** In short, you should go see a doctor who would no doubt bring you to an insane asylum.

 **Souta:** Wait what!?

 **Meteora:** It’s just a joke, bro. … They say that here, right? Bro?

 **Souta:** … I’m not gonna enjoy this cour, am I?


	2. He's A Prime Husbando

**Souta:** The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. Re:creators is property of-

 **Celesia:** He’s _still_ doing this!

 **Meteora:** It’s necessary to have a disclaimer up to stop people from taking down this… Not that it matters anyways, they’ll _still_ take down your videos. Even the originator of the Abridged Series doesn’t even bother with a disclaimer.

 **Souta:** Oh… Well, shi-

* * *

 

**Re:Abridgers**

* * *

{le living room}

 **Souta:** Speaking of, who are you?

 **Meteora:** My name is Meteora Osterreich.

 **Souta:** Osterreich? Isn’t that, like, the name that Austria used after World War I? The same Austria that had that assassination that started World War I?

 **Meteora:** Oh wow, you did your homework… Not that I would know because I don’t exist in this world.

 **Souta:** Oh hey, wait, I know you!

 **Meteora:** Hmm?

 **Souta:** You’re that NPC I put a bucket over their head!

 **Meteora:** What?

 **Souta:** Yeah! After I realized I couldn’t save my game of Avalken after visiting you, I put a bucket over your head and stole all the stat buffing books I could!

 **Meteora:** … So that explains all the missing books after I suddenly saw blackness. I can’t believe _you_ are the hero of my world.

 **Souta:** Well, I wouldn’t call myself a hero. I’m more of a narrator.

 **Meteora:** … _Sure_ you are.

 **Celesia:** In any case, we should begin to search for a way to go back home and as Meteora said, a Waifu’s someone that the men have to treat!

 **Souta:** … I really hate you, Meteora.

 **Meteora:** I share that emotion equally as well.

* * *

{le McDonalds}

 **Meteora:** So, I have several theories as to what’s going on. One, our worlds are beginning to collide. Two, someone’s causing us to teleport here, and three-

 **Part-Timer:** Your order, mam.

{She gets food}

 **Meteora:** God placed us on this world to enjoy its luxuries.

{and eats it}

 **Meteora:** Like, holy crap. The food in this world do _more_ than heal wounds. They actually _taste_ good!

* * *

{le park}

 **Souta:** Wait, what the hell are we doing here?! Weren’t we at the McDonalds?

 **Meteora:** You ask such simple questions to a mage who lives at the end of the world. I teleported us here when you were distracted by my eating.

 **Celesia:** So… You and that crazy bitch have a connection?

 **Meteora:** Nah, she just up and offered me to join her cause. I ignored her. Other than that, I have no idea who she is.

 **Souta:** I have no idea who she is either.

 **Celesia:** But she seemed to know _you_.

 **Souta:** Y-yep! I totally don’t know who she is at all! I read tons of stories and she isn’t in any of them! Ahahaha…

 **Celesia:** Also, Meteora told me that some asshole created me and my world. I know this bitch is important and all, but can we at least take some time out for me to bitch at my Creator for a bit?

 **Souta:** Erm…

 **Meteora:** Remember, she’s your Waifu…

 **Souta:** I _really_ don’t like you.

* * *

{le apartment}

 **Souta:** So, Meteora, your company is technically your Creator. You plan to just fly in?

 **Meteora:** Nah. Too much effort. I’d rather just march right in there.

 **Souta:** And what? You just march in and say “I’m some NPC in the endgame of an open world video game”?

 **Celesia:** Look, we dissect that plan later. I wanna meet my Creator ASAP!

 **Souta:** O-okay!

 **Meteora:** Oh, I just thought of something, Souta. You’re a big fan of games and anime, right?

 **Souta:** Erm… Yeah?

 **Meteora:** Celesia! Check this bookshelf! There’s a stash of fanart!

 **Celesia:** Fan what?

 **Souta:** No! Not my stash of handmade lewds!

{he gets up and takes the books}

 **Souta:** No one is allowed to look at my lewds!

 **Meteora:** You know, if you were to continue drawing, chances are you’ll end up creating a world.

 **Celesia:** Yeah! And then you have another Waifu who’ll ask what their purpose is!

 **Souta:** … I’m pretty sure she’ll hate what it is.

 **Meteora:** Welcome to my world.

* * *

{le apartment}

 **Matsubara:** Well, Mr. Swazzy, you got yourself a killer app of a story! People are gonna look at you and go, “Matsubara, you are my favorite writer in the world!” and you just smile and say, “Yep, that’s me!”

 **Outdated App:** You got mail!

 **Matsubara:** Must be some angry fanboy pissed off at me for killing Pyro Nickles again.

{he scrolls down and sees Celesia}

 **Matsubara:** … Tinder, you’ve just been replaced.

* * *

{le building}

 **Souta:** So… Chances are the guy’s just gonna pass this off as cosplay and not bother showing up.

 **Meteora:** And there’s an equal chance that he _will_ show up in three… two… there!

{she points to a dude}

 **Celesia:** … Please tell me that’s not my God.

 **Meteora:** I never said he’d be handsome.

 **Celesia:** Screw it.

{she goes to meet him}

 **Matsubara:** Daaaaamn girl, you so freaking sexy! You some kind of foreigner? Mixed race? You really put some effort in that cosplay.

{she points a sword at him}

 **Celesia:** I have no idea what ‘cosplayer’ means, but I assume it means something disgusting.

 **Meteora:** Please don’t kill your God on the first day of meeting him. That’s just rude.

 **Matsubara:** What the f-

 **Boy:** Hey, Mom, look! It’s Mamika!

{They all turn to see Mamika}

 **Mamika:** Oh wow, look at all these kids! So young! They can definitely be corrupted by my Americanization!

 **Souta:** Hello new Waifu!

 **Mamika:** Oh hey!

{she goes over to them}

 **Mamika:** Hi! I’m Molly! I was chosen to be a Glimmer Squad Warrior by Gummy, a magical fairy from Fairytopia to stop the evil forces of the Darkverse!

 **Souta:** W-what?

 **Mamika:** I’m also here to spread the gospel of Itsabomination Studios and show kids the wonders of exporting to our friends in the US of A! As of today, you two are… Sally and Megan!

 **Celesia:** The [EFF!] are you on about?

 **Meteora:** I believe she is trying to give us American names to better accustom herself, since our real names might be hard to pronounce.

 **Mamika:** That’s not it! I’m here to convince you guys that we should all be dubbed the way of Itsabomination! Subs on CrushyRock just don’t cut it! We need our dubs to reach the ears of children everywhere and teach them the wonders of friendship and teamwork and friendship and teamwork and-

 **Meteora:** It’s just friendship and teamwork, isn’t it?

 **Matsubara:** WHAT THE [EFF!] DID ITSABOM DO TO YOU, MAMIKA!?

 **Mamika:** Mamika’s my slave name! You are to refer to me as Molly, given to me by my new God, Itsabom!

 **Matsubara:** But that’s not your name! It’s some crap dub job!

 **Celesia:** Look, can we cut to the chase here. Why are you here?

 **Mamika:** I’m here to bring the joys of dubs to the kids who would be too dumb to realize actual Japanese morals! Without dubs, anime would not be as popular as they are today! I’m here to ensure its survival!

{Celesia just groans}

 **Celesia:** I’m already a day into this world and already I want this ride to stop.

 **Mamika:** But wouldn’t you want your world to be seen and loved by kids in America!? They need us to inspire them to be heroes one day! We need them to grow up and be supporting members of the anime community!

 **Celesia:** Not everyone who contributed to anime grew up with whatever cut up meat you call ‘dubs’. _That_ is the one truth I know of this world.

 **Mamika:** Fine! If you won’t believe me through words, then you’ll believe me through the powers of beating the jazz out of you!

 **Celesia:** That doesn’t even make any-

 **Mamika:** Glimmer Prism Power!

{she transforms into Magical Slayer Mamika-}

 **Mamika:** That’s Glimmer Plucky to _you_!

{… Ooooookay…}

{large scale fight ensues}

 **Matsubara:** What the actual [EFF] is happening!?

 **Souta:** You’re asking the wrong guy! I’m just the narrator!

 **Matsubara:** Well, regardless, Celesia’s gonna get curbstomped.

 **Souta:** Huh!? Why?

 **Matsubara:** I wrote the story as a mecha fantasy, emphasis on mecha. Celesia can’t beat a full on fantasy warrior.

{And thus she gets beaten by a giant heart}

 **Mamika:** Oh darn! Look at all the devastation I caused! E-erm… Good thing it’s Sunday?

 **Souta:** It’s Monday, you dipshit!

 **Mamika:** Erm… The buildings are abandoned?

 **Same Boy:** There are rocks crushing my mom and my leg!

 **Mamika:** Erm… Oh! Do you surrender? I blasted you with a powerful attack and that means I instantly forgive you for your trespasses and that you’ll be my new friend that will hog the screen time for the next few seasons!

 **Celesia:** Yeah no.

 **Mamika:** W-what!?

 **Celesia:** I won’t surrender. Your campaign to Americanize anime is a joke! Look around you! Do you think you can brush away reality and sugar coat it for kids!? It’s easier to introduce them to this than just censor it!

 **Mamika:** Don’t be proud! My window of forgiveness is very wide! No matter what you do, I’ll still lov-

{Celesia just cuts her so deep that there’s a cut on her}

 **Celesia:** You see that? That’s blood. It’s been shed a lot in my world. I don’t need anyone to tell me that it’s not real. I can see it for myself and because of it, I know the reality of my situation and why I have to fight. You may pull the wool over their eyes, but you will never be able to deny it yourself: Reality. Hurts.

 **Mamika:** S-stop it! I just want to make sure the kids aren’t scarred!

 **Celesia:** You can’t protect them forever!

 **Mamika:** I can and I will! Glimmer Heart Attack!

 **Celesia:** You named your attack after a cardiac arrest, that’s stup- AAAAAAH SHIIIT!

 **Souta:** Celesia!

{Boom, then new character}

 **???:** Sup?

 **Mamika:** Who are you!?

 **???:** My bones tremble… They’re itchin’ for a fight!

{he raises his kendo in the air and clears the smoke}

 **Yuuya:** The name’s Mirokuji Yuuya and this…

{ghost girl appears}

 **Yuuya:** Is my Standsona, Hangaku. I don’t like to beat up girls, but at the same time I _love_ to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I guess you can see where I’m going with that idiom. Let me say this to start: I’m fairly strong. How strong? I’m the last freaking boss in my world!

 **Souta:** Oh god…

 **Matsubara:** Isn’t that the stupid edgy boy all the girls want to be shipped with?

 **Souta:** Yeah. He’s a prime Husbando.

{To Be Continued}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to imagine Abridged!Matsubara having a Jerry Smith-like voice.


	3. I'll Make Sure This World Pays

{le fight}

 **Yuuya:** So… we doin’ this or what?

 **Mamika:** Erm… Do what?

 **Yuuya:** The whole “beat the shit outta ya” thing.

 **Mamika:** Ah! Don’t swear! We’re in a kid’s show!

 **Yuuya:** Aaaah [EFF] me, you’re one of those stupid kiddy girls that are meant to be idols, right? People like that make me sick. In fact, I might as well just kick your ass right now!

{WHINNIE-VROOM!}

 **Yuuya:** What the fu-

{Suddenly knight girl out of nowhere}

 **???** : UNHAND HER, VILE FIEND!

 **Yuuya:** I haven’t even put my fingers on her yet, bitch!

 **???:** And I shall have it _remain_ that way. You! Small magic girl!

{She goes over and picks her up}

 **Mamika:** Waaah!

 **???:** Come ride my magic steed to adventure! HI HO, SILVER! AWAAAAAAY!

{and she vrooms out of the way}

 **Matsubara:** And she is?

 **Souta:** Oh, like I’m supposed to know every single character that arrives in this world.

{pause…}

 **Souta:** Just kiddin, it’s Aliceteria.

 **Yuuya:** Sooooo… Fight boner’s gone. Wanna get some grub?

* * *

**Re:Abridgers**

* * *

{le restaurant}

 **Yuuya:** Maaaaaaaan is this food good! I completely forgot about those two cu-

 **Meteora:** At the risk of sounding like a prude, I suggest you shut up right there and explain to us what’s going on.

 **Yuuya:** I pretty much know what _you_ twats know. We were from worlds that people created for their explicit entertainment.  

 **Celesia:** Sorry to pry, but were you approached by a woman in a military uniform?

 **Yuuya:** You mean that [EFF]ing Nazi? Yeah. Along with an old fart. As you might have guessed, we didn’t have the best of agreements. But, she _did_ say that this world has Gods that can create things through words. Buuuuut I don’t give a flying f about that. I just wanna beat people up. Whether these Gods _really_ have this power or not is something I don’t wanna bother entertainin’. But hey, I guess some nerd like you could experiment.

 **Meteora:** The two men next to us are more nerds than me.

 **Matsubara:** Yeah! … Hey!

 **Yuuya:** Oh, right, you already have a God. Cool. I guess you guys can put it to the test then.

 **Meteora:** What do you mean?

 **Yuuya:** A God who can change our world through their words… I mean, what _else_ could they change?

{he lights up}

 **Yuuya:** You know what the best part of smoking is? You _never_ get lung cancer if you’re fictional.

 **Meteora:** But you’re real now.

 **Yuuya:** Yeah, but I doubt all those years of smokin’ will catch up to me.

{He puts it out}

 **Yuuya:** Well, I’m off. Gonna beat up some yakuza dudes now… They _do_ have Yakuza here, right?

 **Souta:** Ummm yes?

 **Yuuya:** Not for long. Peace, suckers.

* * *

{le apartment}

 **Souta:** Wait, how did we come here?!

 **Meteora:** I literally just explained how last episode. How dense could you be?

{ding dong}

 **???:** Hey guys, what’s up-

{She sees Meteora and Celesia}

 **Matsubara:** And this is my lovely illustrator, Marine. If I’m considered your dad, then she could be your mom, Celesia.

 **Marine:** Please don’t hit on me like that.

{a few moments later}

 **Marine:** So… I still don’t get what’s going on…

 **Souta:** Welcome to anime.

 **Matsubara:** Yeah, like, can we bring up how we have a totally not normal woman in our midst?

 **Celesia:** The hell’s _that_ supposed to mean?

 **Matsubara:** You were literally flying around the city taking magical blows to the face!

 **Celesia:** No shit! I had to do that to survive in the world _you_ made!

 **Meteora:** Hey, I have a wunderbar idea. Let’s not argue like this is your first time handling a child with puberty, and let’s do some experimenting.

{Marine raises her hand}

 **Meteora:** Not _that_ kind.

{She lowers it}

 **Souta:** Aw man!

 **Meteora:** The experiment will be to see of that man’s words are true and if you can _truly_ change the world with words.

* * *

{le room}

 **Celesia:** So you’re gonna give me fire powers?

 **Meteora:** Look, it was on the top of my head at the moment of making this experiment.

 **Matsubura:** You think a little line will work? Doubt I can just make her a pyromaniac by just giving her dialogue.

 **Meteora:** You’re right. Marine, draw a scene of Celesia using a fire spell.

 **Marine:** Um… Context?

 **Meteora:** There _is_ no context. Just draw her burning shit.

 **Souta:** Oh! Maybe the context is-

 **Meteora:** Whatever is gonna come out of your virgin mouth, I suggest you stuff it.

* * *

{le other room}

 **Meteora:** So while Matsubara is writing a scene without any stupid ideas from the peanut gallery, anything else we might wanna experiment with?

{Souta breathes in, but Meteora eyes Souta}

 **Meteora:** Don’t you even.

 **Marine:** Oooooh! She’s beautiful!

 **Meteora:** I didn’t mean that kind of-

{it shows Marine admiring Celesia’s clothes}

 **Meteora:** Oh… That’s what you meant.

 **Marine:** Sooo…. Are you and Charon… Erm…

 **Celesia:** Oh God no. Not this… You know about Chapter 16.5 as well?

 **Marine:** Of course I did! I wrote it!

 **Souta:** So _that_ explains the disproportions of Charon’s-

 **Marine:** Oh! How did you feel about Charon going “Hail Hydra?”

 **Celesia:** Erm… What?

 **Marine:** Oh, yeah, when he backstabbed you and join the Avalon Brigade, I decided it’d be funny to write a one-off panel in the style of that Captain America meme! Oh! And he killed Pyro Nickles!

 **Celesia:** WHAT!? HE’S MY BEST FRIEND!

 **Souta:** Oh wow… This is some post modern stuff right here… You’re getting your own story spoiled.

 **Marine:** Oh! Sorry about that! But hey! You know now so you’re now caught up!

 **Celesia:** Umm… Yeah, I’m just gonna wallow in misery now that I know my best friend is gonna die and my _other_ best friend is gonna betray me.

 **Matsubara:** Hey! I’m done!

 **Souta:** That was fast!

 **Mastubara:** Call it a trait among us creators!

{Cut to Marine drawing}

 **Celesia:** Hey, Souta, I’m curious, you’re not hitting on Marine like you are with me or the other girls. What’s up with that?

 **Souta:** Me? Hit on an _actual_ girl? Just who the hell do you think I am?

 **Marine:** Aaaaaaaaaaaaand done!

{They see a completely inked drawing}

 **Souta:** THIS IS INHUMAN! WE JUST TALKED FOR A FEW MINUTES!

 **Meteora:** Why else is this place called the Land of Gods?

 **Celesia:** Alright! Let’s do it!

{She pulls out her sword}

 **Celesia:** FLAME CALIBER!

{nothing happens}

 **Celesia:** Erm…

{She trys again}

 **Celesia:** POWER SWORD!

{Nothing. She tries again}

 **Celesia:** BY THE POWER OF FLAME SKULL! FLAME PRISM POWER! WE DIDN’T START THE FLAME WAR! WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!

{she continues this as Meteora speaks}

 **Meteora:** Today’s results are a total and complete failure. I am embarrassed to call you people Gods at this point.

 **Souta:** Um… Maybe it needs to have an impact?

 **Meteora:** Huh?

 **Souta:** Like, Mamika had a huge following. Celesia is popular… And Yuuya… Well, Yuuya is an edgy emo. So maybe we need to have this reach an audience?

 **Meteora:** Holy crap, that’s literally the smartest thing I heard from you all day.

 **Marine:** Hey! I just go the craziest idea!

{She hands Meteora a bookmark}

 **Marine:** Why don’t _you_ meet your Creator, Meteora? I have a good connection with them!

 **Meteora:** That would be amazing.

{She smirks evilly}

 **Marine:** OH! And you and Celesia can stay over at my house! We can paint our nails and talk about cute boys!

 **Meteora:** Erm… Yeah.

* * *

{le outside}

 **Souta:** So. This is the end of a crazy adventure.

 **Meteora:** No… This is only the beginning. A war is beginning…

* * *

{le warehouse}

 **Meteora:** Armies are being formed. Lines will be drawn. Someone will make their move. And I know who it will be.

{The Waifu Gestapo just stares at the night sky}

 **???:** Setsuna… I’ll make sure this world pays for the sins they committed against you.

{To be continued}


	4. I have a [EFF!] boi waiting for us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: Meteora Explains It All

{le sky}

 **Mamika:** Ummm…

 **Alicetaria:** Don’t worry, young mage, you are safe with me!

 **Mamika:** Do you want to convert to the holy word of our lord and saviour Itsabominaton?

 **Alicetaria:** Tell me, mage, what of this land?

 **Mamika:** Whut?

 **Alicetaria:** People need saving in the village of Ogikubo. I need you to lead me there.

 **Mamika:** And… What’s your name?

 **Alicetaria:** My name is-

* * *

 

**Re:Abridgers**

**We Edgy Like Fan4stic Now!**

* * *

 

{le house}

 **Marine:** Sooo… Meteora’s creator’s dead.

 **Souta:** Crap.

 **Matsubara:** {ACTUAL DIALOGUE} Well, when you pass 30, things like that tend to happen.

{They all look to Matsubara}

 **Matsubara:** What? It’s the truth!

 **Marine:** And this is why we broke up. Anyways, Meteora decided to head to an internet café to contemplate her life choices or whatnot. Whatever the case may be, we must be ready to comfort Meteora and tell her that it’s going to be okay.

 **Meteora:** Sup.

 **Souta:** HOLY SHIT! HOW DID YOU DO THAT!?

 **Meteora:** I’ve literally been standing here for the past fifteen minutes. Anyways, I was just having an existential crisis and I just finished after playing through Avalken for about twelve hours.

 **Souta:** H-how?! The game’s a massive open world RPG with tons of quests and-

 **Meteora:** Oh what? You’re the only one that gets to pass through entire dungeons by running into a wall while holding a bowl?

{everyone just looks at Meteora}

 **Meteora:** The game’s a rushed, buggy mess, alright? God, you know, now I really _want_ to watch this world blow up.

 **Souta:** Wait what!?

 **Meteora:** Oh, yeah, every time one of us creations comes in or clash or even talk to you guys _right now_ , we somehow muck up the world’s balance. Muck it up enough, and this world goes boom. But hey, that’s just a theory. A _game_ theory!

{Moment of silence}

 **Meteora:** That’s what I _would_ say if I wasn’t backing this theory up with _actual_ proof. But don’t worry, you plebs, Auntie Meteora will handle things like usual. After all, my creator gave birth to me and my world. It’d be an insult to his memory if I just stood by and watched as this world burned.

 **Souta:** But… wasn’t that what you did in the ga-

 **Meteora:** _This_ world. And unfortunately, we don’t have slutty women in chainmail bikinis holding gigantic slabs of iron they call “great swords” running around and stealing things from people who are trying to get by in life that can save this world, _Souta_. Or should I say… Babetasia?

 **Matsubara:** Seriously? Babetasia?

 **Souta:** I was super tired!

 **Meteora:** Besides, I helped by giving off advice how to beat Zalkazen, I think I can help you guys out by figuring out how to beat the Gestapo Waifu.

 **Celesia:** Welcome back, Meteora.

 **Meteora:** … I was only gone for a night.

 **Matsubara:** I say we order food to celebrate this occasion!

 **Meteora:** … Fine, [EFF!] it. Time for me to dump exposition on your asses while we eat.

{One dinner sequence later}

 **Marine:** Wow! We managed to talk about so much in one moment of eating! How is this possible?

 **Meteora:** Gee, I wonder. So, long story short, crazy bitch wants to destroy the world. We need to stop her. Matsubara, Marine, and… uuugh, Souta, I will need your help as Creators to find the Creations and stop them from wrecking this world and eventually repair this world.

 **Matsubara:** So that’s it, huh? We’re some sort of Re:Creators?

 **Marine:** It may seem difficult to try and find the Creations…

 **Souta:** Yeah. If only we had some assistance from someone big… Like the Government!

 **Matsubara:** Souta, the Government is full of pushy bureaucrats who care about the bottom dollar. I doubt they have some sort of task force built specifically for this situation.

 **Meteora:** We also have to find the Gestapo Waifu’s Creator.  

 **Celesia:** So… How do we know that this Creator is still alive? I mean, we just realized yours died so chances are hers might be dead as well.

 **Meteora:** If only we had an idea of who this Creator is.

 **Souta:** Erm… Heheh…

 **Meteora:** Souta, I swear to the gods whose temples you robbed, I will [EFF!]ing _end_ you if you’re hiding shit from us. Now who’s for Chinese?

* * *

 

{le warehouse}

 **Alicetaria:** BEHOLD! I have saved a peasant!

{She tosses him to the ground}

 **Gai:** What the hell?

 **Alicetaria:** All in a day’s work!

 **Gestapo Waifu:** Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?

 **Alicetaria:** Are you not a general of this world? I must report my good deeds to the general to improve my knightly hood.

 **Gestapo Waifu:** … The things I say for easy followers. Yes, I am a general and you are doing a good job. Did you convince him to fix your world?

 **Alicetaria:** What? How can he fix my world of pain, strife, and never ending death? He’s just a peasant!

 **Gestapo Waifu:** Wait, you never got my “Land of Gods” speech?

 **Alicetaria:** If this were the Land of Gods, there’d be milk and honey! And the Gods would drink to their heart’s content while toying with the lives of us little people!

 **Gestapo Waifu:** Damn it, I should have gave this place a catchier name.

 **???** : Yeah, and maybe you won’t have any smokers here.

{Alicetaria summons her sword}

 **Alicetaria:** And who might _you_ be? Are you her husband?

 **???:** H-husba- No! I don’t view her like that you sick-

 **Gestapo Waifu:** Enough! Perhaps I wasn’t clear with what I meant. This is a land where peasants like this man here have the potential to change the world like they are gods. However, there is a wall preventing them from doing it. Destroy that wall, and your world will be saved.

 **Alicetaria:** I would, but I do not have a hammer.

 **Gestapo Waifu:** … Get the [EFF!] out.

* * *

 

{le outside}

 **Mamika:** So, Alice, you hungry?

 **Alicetaria:** Alice?

 **Mamika:** Your true name! Itsabomination would be proud to have me reveal people’s true names!

 **Alicetaria:** It sounds more like you just shortened my name.

 **Mamika:** Now let’s have ourselves some macaroni and cheese!

{she takes out a package that clearly says rice}

 **Alicetaria:** I pity your apparent blindness, young girl.

{she gets cooking}

 **Mamika:** I have a lot of food for us. We should find a secret base to hold all this food.

 **Alicetaria:** What about that warehouse that I just left five minutes ago? I’m pretty sure whoever’s in it is using it as a base.

 **Mamika:** Oh! You’re right! All that searching and it was right under our noses!

 **Alicetaria:** Back in my world, people would shove metallic forks into people like you to see if they can get you to be _normal_. Or they would just use that bag to silence them.

 **Mamika:** Oh, you want this bag?

 **Alicetaria:** Yes, it can be a great weapon to fight the forces of evil!

 **Mamika:** You’re funny. I like you.

 **Alicetaria:** Perhaps we can form a pact, young magical girl.

 **Mamika:** Food’s done!

{She takes out a spoon, scoops up the food, and gives it to Alicetaria}

 **Mamika:** Here comes the airplane!

 **Alicetaria:** Are you serious?

{they look at each other before Alicetaria just sighs and eats the spoonful.}

 **Mamika:** We should probably teach kids that not sharing spoons is a great way to prevent diseases like the common cold.

 **Alicetaria:** We _should_ spend our time protecting this world from devastation.

 **Mamika:** And uniting the peoples within our nation?

 **Alicetaria:** Yes! And we shall denounce the evils of-

 **Mamika:** Truth and love?

 **Alicetaria:** Exactly, young magical girl! Together, we shall spread justice to this simple world!

 **Mamika:** I think you mean the word of Itsabomination, right?

 **Alicetaria:** Is that some new devil?

 **Mamika:** W-what!? HOW DARE YOU CALL ITSABOM THE DEVIL!?

{le apartment}

* * *

 

 **Nakanogane:** Sup.

 **Matsubara:** Hey, what’s up.

 **Nakanogane:** You busy?

 **Matsubara:** Nah. Marine’s rejected another date proposition so I’m free.

 **Nakanogane:** Cool, because I have a [EFF!] boi waiting for us.

 **Rui:** Huh?

{To be continued}


	5. No one will know of our forbidden love, Mai Waifu.

{le house}

 **Nakanogane:** Uuugh. Boredom, potato chips, and Netflix. All I need now is a girl and I can chill.

{suddenly the anime he’s watching becomes real for a bit}

 **Nakanogane:** Really? I leave the anime for one day and they decide to add literal _Nazis_? [EFF!] this.

{he goes outside, carrying the TV with him. }

 **Nakanogane:** Into the bin it goes!

{suddenly a robot comes out of it, then a boy comes out of the robot}

 **Nakanogane:** Ooookay then.

* * *

{le house an hour later}

 **Nakanogane:** And that’s literally what happened.

 **Meteora:** As opposed to it _figuratively_ happening.

 **Nakanogane:** Also, why the hell did you bring all these guys here? I thought it was just gonna be a guy’s night out.

 **Matsubara:** It _would_ had it not been for the fact that the [EFF!] boi you’re offering is from an anime!

 **Nakanogane:** Wait, what? Oh… No wonder he looks like Rui.

 **Souta:** That’s because he _is_ Rui.

 **Meteora:** Okay, Celesia, her parents, and I, I can understand, but why did _you_ come along? You literally have nothing to do with this.

 **Souta:** Yet.

 **Meteora:** Uuugh… Okay, look, you’re in a world where reality is a bitch and your world is nothing more than cheap entertainment.

 **Rui:** I’m supposed to go on a date with Yuina! Waaah!

Meteora: … I’m mistaken. It isn’t just reality that’s a bitch. Well, you can either sit here and whine.

 **Rui:** Waaaaah!

 **Meteora:** Or you can help us fight a Gestapo Waifu.

 **Nakanogane:** Wait! I’ve seen such a person! Is she bad?

 **Meteora:** Oh yeah. Welp, congrats kid, you’re drafted.

 **Rui:** SCREW THAT! I want my date and I want it now!

 **Matsubara:** What gave you inspiration to make a whiny kid again?

 **Nakanogane:** … My high school experiences.

{the non-creations collectively awe.}

 **Celesia:** Well, if it’s a date you want…

 **Rui:** The [EFF!]. I’m going steady with someone else ya old hag.

{he leaves}

 **Celesia:** DID THAT [EFF!]ING ASSHOLE JUST CALL ME A HAG?

{suddenly a flash bang enters the room}

 **Meteora:** Well shi-

{the flash bang explodes and everyone screams}

 **Meteora:** YOU FOOL!

* * *

**Re:Abridgers**

**The Rui Experiment**

* * *

{le government building}

 **Reynolds:** You stand here on the charges of disrupting the peace with random large scale fights and mecha attacks. How do you plead?

 **Meteora:** I plead the amendment that demands you let us go or else I summon a barrage of missiles that I had copied and blow us all to hell.

 **Kikuchihara:** Okay, okay, let’s not get carried away with blowing stuff up. I apologize for the intrusion and arrest, but rest assured, we are _not_ the governmental nut jobs you see on TV. We merely wanted to talk with you.

 **Meteora:** I didn’t know you guys send Flash-bang-a-grams.

 **Kikuchihara:** That’s Reynold’s [EFF!] up, not mine.

 **Reynolds:** Hey! When giant robots start appearing, _that’s_ when we go lethal force!

 **Kikuchihara:** [EFF!]ing America. Anyways, we’d like to request your assistance in-

 **Meteora:** The whole characters appearing in our world thing? Cool. Alright, we in.

 **Kikuchihara:** W-what? B-but I had a twenty minute speech about how you guys should join our group and everything! Don’t you want to be motivated in saving the world?

 **Meteora:** We literally spent twenty minutes talking about how we needed extra resources to help us find the Creations and their Creators. I think we’re good.

 **Kikuchihara:** C-chart! We have charts about electromagnetic-

 **Meteora:** Disturbances that occur every time a Creation is summoned and thus each one risks disrupting the electromagnetic fields so much that they cause the world to crumple in on itself.

 **Kikuchihara:** H-how did you?

 **Meteora:** You may be a novice at this exposition dumping business, but I’m the _master_ , bitch. In fact…

{one smash cut later and now it’s Meteora in front of the screen with Kikuchihara sitting next to the Creations/Creators}

 **Meteora:** Muuuuch better. Now, what do we have to work with here… Well, we have Yakuza Asshole fighting a cop.

 **Rui:** {ACTUAL DIALOGUE} So there are others like us out there…

 **Meteora:** And if you look to your left, you’d see the boy who won the Sherlock Holmes award for STATING THE OBVIOUS! I’d request the protection of Yakuza Asshole’s creator. Now, to you idiots who ask why…

{skips to the next screen of a guy requesting police protection}

 **Meteora:** I am to guess this guy’s a Creator and that _this_ …

{skips to a screen where Alicetaria is in the police station}

 **Meteora:** Is his Creation.

**Alicetaria (From TV):** _Peasants! I’m here to save you from the screeching neon beasts in white armor that are resting outside your residence! We must make quick haste lest they wake up and chase us with unfathomable speeds while giving out their mating cry of ‘WEEE-OOO WEEE-OOO’!_

**Meteora:** Huh, imagine that. A person that’s duller than the student. And if we look to our next slide.

{cuts to the slide of Meteora flying from a base}

 **Meteora:** … Please tell me someone accidently slipped their vacation photo into this slideshow.

{cuts right back to Meteora sitting with the others, this time in hand cuffs}

 **Reynolds:** So now we can add grand theft missiles to the list of charges. As such, I hereby deem you a criminal and _force_ you to work under me as part of your community service.

 **Meteora:** … That’s literally the most _un-_ punishment you can ever give. “You did a bad thing, I sentence you to do the thing you were already gonna do”. That’s what you sound like right now.

 **Kikuchihara:** However, since you’re a fictional character, you technically don’t exist, which means you won’t be tried.

 **Meteora:** I request a citizenship, then.

 **Kikuchihara:** … Fine. Reynolds, give Meteora, Rui, and Celesia citizenship papers. And for the last time, let’s make them _actual_ citizenship papers and not orders for deportation.

 **Celesia:** Nice! Now we’re no longer homeless!

 **Souta:** YOU FREELOADED OFF OF ME AND MARINE! HOW IS THAT HOMELESS!?

 **Meteora:** Also, I request you guys cover up as much information as you can about all this. We can’t cause a panic.

 **Some Random Government Official:** … You _do_ realize we can’t just cover up everything. We’re not some sort of Illuminati.

 **Kikuchihara:** Besides, we’re trying to _not_ be America right now. Despite of what some people think, Reynolds.

 **Reynolds:** Hey!

 **Kikuchihara:** So this concludes our meeting. From today onward, the Creations and Creators will be part of a special task force devoted to protecting the world from devastation and to unite Creations and Creators within our nation.

 **Reynolds:** Can we also denounce the evils of-

 **Kikuchihara:** No one cares for your politics. Oh, and the student is joining the task force as well.

 **Meteora:** Excuse _you_ and your entire cabinet?

 **Kikuchihara:** He’s as much of a witness as you are.

 **Meteora:** He has [EFF!] all to do with this! His only claim to fame was meeting Celesia and _possibly_ hiding a secret regarding the Waifu Gestapo, which, I might remind you, Souta, will have heavy consequences if that is the case.

 **Kikuchihara:** I shall ask you three a question. Your worlds are made for entertainment. Even after knowing this, will you save this world?

 **Celesia:** We do this on a daily basis. We’re pretty much written not to say no to this.

 **Kikuchihara:** Even if the situation’s helpless?

 **Rui:** My body’s screaming ‘HELL YES!’

* * *

{le coffee room}

 **Kikuchihara:** Sorry again for pressganging you into helping us.

 **Meteora:** I _did_ break the law, after all.

 **Kikuchihara:** How do you think this will all end?

 **Meteora:** With the idiots I had to put up with, I predict less than favorable odds. It’ll take a _miracle_ for us to survive.

 **Kikuchihara:** Oh good, I’m not the only one who thinks we don’t have a chance in hell about this.

 **Meteora:** I feel like we can truly connect.

 **Celesia:** Hey! Marine just offered us free rent control if we have sexy pillow fights every night!

 **Meteora:** {smiles} The end of the world just can’t come fast enough.

* * *

{le bus where le credits roll}

 **Souta:** Hey, is it normal for the credits to roll during a scene like this?

 **Matsubara:** Huh? What credits?

 **Celesia:** He’s talking about the credits people add near the end of an episode when they want to cram in a plot twist.

 **Souta:** Well shit.

 **Meteora:** I doubt it. We’re figuratively in the best position right now. With the Government’s help, we can track down the Creations, stop them from doing what they please, and finally take out that Waifu Gestapo.

 **Celesia:** Yeah. I wonder who she is…

 **Souta:** …

* * *

{le Souta’s house}

 **Souta:** …

{he looks up Nico Nico Douga and finds the Waifu Gestapo’s music video}

 **Souta:** No one will know of our forbidden love, Mai Waifu.

{TO BE CONTINUED!}


	6. She’ll learn to love Itsabom!

**Souta:** No one will know of our forbidden love, Mai Waifu.

{he gets up and unzips his pants}

**Knock knock knock**

{he looks to see Celesia by his door}

 **Souta:** Oh give me a break you piece of sh-

* * *

 

**Re:Abridgers**

* * *

**Celesia:** So we know jack about the other Creations.

 **Souta:** Yeah, I think we made that pretty clear.

 **Celesia:** _Especially_ with the Gestapo Waifu.

 **Souta:** Erm… Yeahahahahahaha…

{he closes the video}

 **Celesia:** By the way, we’ll be notified of new Creations because they cause some electromagnetic disturbance. Apparently we can track them on this… Ah-puh.

{She takes out a phone}

 **Souta:** It’s pronounced “app”.

 **Celesia:** Oh, hey, there’s an app for numbers. Wanna give me yours?

 **Souta:** [EFF!] yeah! Hook me up!

* * *

{le park}

 **Aliceteria:** Ah, back to some familiar form… Campfires!

 **Mamika:** Careful! Only you can prevent wild fires!

 **Aliceteria:** … Well, it’s not perfect. So… I wanna suggest getting an ally for our group. A third wheel to our crusade against the evils of this world.

 **Mamika:** Oh! Cool! What do you have in mind?

 **Aliceteria:** Well, I was considering jumping the first person we see and pressganging them into fighting for us. That’s usually how we do it in my realm.

 **Mamika:** Oh, I just beat them to a pulp until they beg for forgiveness.

{Aliceteria looks at her}

 **Mamika:** Erm, I mean… Blast them with friendship beams until they reform!

 **Aliceteria:** So… What would _you_ look for in a person?

 **Mamika:** Oh, someone who is good of heart, wanting to help their friends, the usual good Samaritan stuff. Bonus points if their lord is Itsabom.

 **Aliceteria:** And if we don’t find any?

 **Mamika:** Oh don’t worry. We can always just make one out of the non-believers.

 **Aliceteria:** Well, in any case, I sure hope the next person we come across _is_ pure of heart.

 **Mamika:** I wouldn’t exactly word it like that.

 **Aliceteria:** What do you mean?

 **Mamika:** Pure of heart can mean anything… Pure good, pure weird, pure badbutt…

* * *

{le shop}

 **Mamika:** {voiceover} Pure _evil_.

{A girl enters the shop and takes a book}

 **Girl:** Yo, how much for this?

 **Shopkeeper:** Well, this would go for about a hundred dollars…

 **Girl:** And what about any discounts if it’s damaged?

 **Shopkeeper:** Huh? What do you mean?

 **Girl:** Saw some weird writing on the book around page 196.

 **Shopkeeper:** No one touches that weird Cthulhu book, so I reassure you it’s in no way…

{he looks at it}

 **Shopkeeper:** Well, what do you know, it _does_ have writing.

 **Girl:** You think it’s a lie? That whoever reads it will be attacked by some creepy dog thing?

 **Shopkeeper:** … No… You’ve heard of Cthulhu? I wouldn’t be surprised if this shit was true!

 **Girl:** … Wait what?

 **Shopkeeper:** Yeah, I’m gonna call some paranormal people to handle this-

 **Girl:** You think this is true.

 **Shopkeeper:** Well yeah!

 **Girl:** … Fuck it, we’re doing this the hard way.

{she pulls out a knife}

{cut to outside the shop where the shopkeeper screams and begs for mercy as stabbings intensify. She then grabs a bag while causing a gusher of blood to emerge, then leaves the shop while humming “New Look”}

* * *

{later…}

 **Kikuchihara:** Obviously this is a robbery turned murder.

 **Meteora:** No shit, Sherlock.

 **Kikuchihara:** Descriptions of the girl who exited this store seemed to be dressed as a student from some school far from the public schools due to the black coloring and gloves.

 **Meteora:** Or we could be dealing with a villain who blatantly murdered this guy.

{she leaves the crime scene}

 **Celesia:** Heeey!

{she enters it}

 **Meteora:** Hey, don’t cross the yellow tape!

 **Celesia:** I doubt anyone cares about that. So, is this murderer a Creation?

 **Meteora:** Oh gee, let me think? YEAH! Otherwise we wouldn’t be here. Doi! Oh, where’s the boy?

 **Celesia:** Oh, Souta? Well-

 **Meteora:** I said _boy_ , not idiot.

 **Celesia:** Oh! Kanoya, he’s flirting.

 **Meteora:** Of course he is.

* * *

{le bridge}

 **Girl:** Well, today was a bust. Hopefully there’d be nothing else that could-

{she sees Mamika and Aliceteria}

 **Girl:** Get worse…

 **Aliceteria:** GREETINGS, SCHOOL GIRL! You wish for adventure? Well don’t go diving into a well for adventure, for adventure comes to you!

 **Girl:** What fresh hell is this?

 **Mamika:** You have a moment to talk about our lord and savior Itsabom, proud owner of Itsabomination Studios?

 **Girl:** Erm… Sure?

 **Mamika:** Great! We’re here to make the entire world see that dubs are the way to go! Think about it, everyone speaking one language, just like how it should have been! Deaths being covered away and instead, loved ones would just be banished to another dimension! We’d eat the same burgers instead of these weird and insidious rice balls! Join us and we’ll all eat jelly donuts by the pink leaf trees!

 **Girl:** Welp! I’m bored. Why not!

 **Aliceteria:** First, you must prove yourself pure of heart!

 **Girl:** Pure? Well, I _am_ a pure virgin… Hehehe.

 **Aliceteria:** Perfect! Virgins are supremely powerful for our cause, Mamika.

 **Girl:** Hey, I’m pretty cool with this. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it!

 **Aliceteria:** Good! We need you to save the world from evildoers who seek to hurt the innocent! We’ll start with the insidious metallic neon beasts and their blue-coated riders!

 **Mamika:** Alice! Remember what I said? Those are _cops_! They help us!

 **Aliceteria:** Then we’ll save the peasants from the hunger of the Jörmungandr, the world-eating snake who rests underneath this ground in stone tunnels, no doubt made by his cultists!

 **Mamika:** I am so sorry for her behaviour…

 **Girl:** No, no, it’s cool. Hey, have you guys ever considered… _murder_?

 **Mamika:** Is that something you eat, because if it is, we’re gonna call it Japanese pizza.

 **Aliceteria:** No, it is not food. I know what murder is… and it is not justice!

 **Girl:** Oh, wow, a moralfag. Alright, let’s lay down the law: justice is only how one perceives it. _You_ may think killing is wrong, but _I_ sometimes see it as a last resort. Who says who is guilty and who is innocent? Oh, right, _you_. _How_ do you determine who is right and who is wrong? Do you just decide on a whim? If so, that’s not justice, that’s you doing things for the lulz.

 **Aliceteria:** Alright, that does it! You may make fun of my friend’s weird cult fantasy, but you _never_ make fun of my sense of justice!

 **Girl:** Oh noes! I should check my privilege, shouldn’t I?

 **Aliceteria:** That does it! You’re getting skewered!

 **Girl:** Or maybe it is _you_ who will get skewered.

 **Aliceteria:** I call your bluff with the same value as the excrement of a bull!

 **Girl:** You idiot! I’ve waited so long to pull this off! A lie within a lie!

{suddenly Celesia}

 **Girl:** Oh come on!

 **Aliceteria:** And who are you? Allies of this mockery of justice!?

 **Meteora:** No. We’re just the smart people.

 **Celesia:** And not blatant murderers. {glares at the girl}

 **Girl:** Oh wow, someone actually saw through me, I’m shocked.

 **Aliceteria:** If you are not protecting her, then step aside while I show her what a _true_ warrior of justice is made of!

 **Celesia:** I’m not stepping aside! You, the girl, and the murderer all need to be kept in check!

 **Aliceteria:** So you’re the authority of this world? You stand by and let your subjects be eaten by Jörmungandr, the serpent that gnaws at the roots of your world?

 **Meteora:** And the stupidity just keeps piling on.

 **Mamika:** Stop!

{they all look to her}

 **Mamika:** All this fighting… We’re gonna tear this world apart if we fight! We all need to get along!

 **Meteora:** While I agree with you… {Mamika smiles} Your friend just crossed the line with that blatant mix-up of Norse mythology.

 **Aliceteria:** And who are you? Are you the ruler’s second hand?

 **Meteora:** I prefer to be called the Seeker of a Thousand Miles… Or Queen, if you prefer.

 **Aliceteria:** You admit it! You’re the tyrant of this world! I will liberate this realm from your grasps!

 **Meteora:** Wait, you’re not on that ruse cruise the Gestapo Waifu set you on?

 **Aliceteria:** You mean that weird girl with the smoker? No. Everything I did is of my own volition! Protecting this land from monsterous nightmares like the Neon Beasts is why I’m here!

 **Meteora:** So at no point were you told about this being a land where gods made our worlds?

 **Aliceteria:** Yeah, I was… But I am not buying it for a second. My world has no god to save us. People die every day where I lived… Corpses piled as high as mountains! Rivers boiling with the blood of friend and foe!

 **Mamika** : LALALALALALALA NOT LISTENING LALALALALALALALALALA!

 **Aliceteria:** I must protect my people. To rely on a god to fix our world is to be lazy about it!

 **Meteora:** On one hand, I’m impressed at the level of intelligence you display. On the other hand, it’s not that much higher than I have predicted.

 **Aliceteria:** SILENCE! It’s clear you’re the enemy I must defeat!

{She sends a shockwave to the two}

 **Aliceteria:** For the Honor of Scarlatina! Grant me the power!

{She fires a Kamehameha}

 **Mamika:** Alice! What the [EFF!]?

 **Aliceteria:** These are the true enemies of this world, Mamika. We must fight them to save this world.

{She leaves to fight Celesia as an epic battle ensues, Mamika tries to intervene}

 **???:** Sup.

{she turns to see the smoker}

 **Smoker:** So, I’ve seen your fight with that ginger. You can _totally_ blow us all away if you go all out.

 **Mamika:** I am not taking advice from a smoker! I’m saying no to drugs!

 **Smoker:** Fine. Guess I’m gonna have to step in. My not-daughter asked me to recruit you guys into her army, so I guess helping you will convince you to join.

{he flies up and fires a bullet at Celesia}

 **Smoker:** Don’t mind me, just intruding on the uneven fight. Name’s Blitz Talker.

 **Meteora:** So why aren’t you talking faster?

 **Smoker:** You’re not the first smartass to make that joke, and you’ll definitely not be the last.

 **Celesia:** Hey, now would be a good time for that missile strike!

 **Meteora:** I’d love to, but I apparently need _approval_ to do it… Stupid bureaucrats. Hang on, I’ll ask for approval.  

 **Blitz:** Can’t let you do that.

{He fires a bullet at her and knocks her into the bridge}

 **Blitz:** And one more ought to do it.

{and fires one more bullet… only for Mamika to block it}

 **Mamika:** No! Absolutely _no_ killing will be allowed in the presence of Itsabom!

 **Blitz:** But if I don’t kill her here, she’ll come back to haunt us in another installment.

 **Mamika:** That’s okay… Because when she comes back… She’ll learn to love Itsabom!


	7. Get Dumped On

{back at the clash}

 **Alicetaria:** How long have we been fighting!?

 **Psyga315:** Long enough for a new episode of Re:Abridgers.

 **Alicetaria:** Wait, wha-

* * *

**Re:Abridgers**

* * *

**Alicetaria:** I may not be able to save the people of my world, but I can at least save the people of _this_ world, you unpleasant fiend!

 **Celesia:** Look, you got this the wrong way! We’re just sketches given life! People just read us for entertainment!

 **Alicetaria:** Lies! I expect nothing less from your worm tongue!

{suddenly hearts}

 **Mamika:** Alice, let’s not fight these guys, please?

 **Alicetaria:** They’re the villains, little girl!

 **Mamika:** We want to use our _words_ to fight, not our fists. We only use our weapons for defense.

 **Alicetaria:** Okay, _now’s_ not the time for your motherly overtones!

{Mamika does a badass pose}

 **Mamika:** I mean it! If you don’t stop your violent ways, I will beat them out of you!

 **Yuuya:** Woooow, hypocrite much?

* * *

{meanwhile}

 **Police Officer:** Pay no mind to the bomb being defused!

 **Japanese Civilian:** Wait. A bomb’s been planted there!? EVERYONE PANIC! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

 **Kikuchihara:** Last time _I_ take a lesson from Takatora’s Book of Keeping Everything Secret. Well, time to call in the mech.

* * *

{back at the fight}

 **Yuuya:** Wow, an all out slobber knocker and you didn’t invite me? You guys are truly pathetic. Old man! There’s a pension plan with your name on it! It’s called Kuronagimaru!

{points gun}

 **Blitz:** I’m only 40, boy.

 **Yuuya:** Someone’s cranky! Nurse Hangaku, please give the old man his medicine!

{goes to fight Alicetaria}

 **Alicetaria:** SPIRITS FROM BEYOND THE DEAD!

 **Yuuya:** Damn it! Alright, back to the pension plan joke.

 **Mamika:** Wait!

{stops the fight}

 **Mamika:** SHINING SHOWER OF PASSIVE-AGRESSIVENESS!

 **Yuuya:** What kinda attack is that!?

 **Magane:** Oooh, cool! I can totally see the fight from here! Even though I’m so far away!

{beat}

 **Magane:** Really? No one’s calling my bluff? {sighs} One day, Maggie…

 **Celesia:** Hey, come with us while they’re ripping each other’s throats out!

 **Magane:** And then what? Be caught up in this clusterfuck of bullshit? Naah, I like to spectate. It’s more fun that way.

 **Celesia:** You’re murdering people! If you can’t come with us, then…

 **Magane:** Oh no, the girl’s gonna shank me. I’m so scared.

 **Meteora:** Celesia, we should probably stop those guys from killing each other. Especially considering the whole “world blowing up” thing I discussed in length about twice now.

 **Celesia:** Alright… But Sharkteeth over here has to promise me not to kill anyone else!

 **Magane:** Okay.

 **Celesia:** W-wow. Like that?

 **Magane:** Yeah, kinda gotten bored of it.

 **Celesia:** Well, okay then.

 **Meteora:** Celesia, this woman’s as trustworthy as Souta.

 **Celesia:** See, even Meteora trusts you!

 **Meteora:** Oh for fu- I’m trying to say I’m calling bullshit!

 **Magane:** … Really?

{starts to chuckle}

 **Magane:** That’s the thing that triggers my power? Eh, I’ll take it. _A lie within a lie…_

{sees that Meteora and Celesia are gone}

 **Magane:** OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

 **Mamika:** Ow! Hitting a little girl… Uuugh, Itsabomination is _so_ gonna cut this scene out.

{Celesia lands}

 **Celesia:** Alright, enough.

 **Yuuya:** Oh what the hell? I bailed your weak ass out and now you’re returning the favor to the girl who handed your ass? Oh, yeah, I should tell that to everyone. **HEY EVERYONE! THIS WEAK ASS BITCH GOT BEAT BY A MAGICAL GIRL!**

 **Rui:** MAGICAL GIRL?! WHERE!

{suddenly Gigas Machina}

 **Alicetaria:** GOLEM! THEY SUMMONED A GOLEM! WE MUST RUN, LITTLE GIRL!

{as they fly off, Alicetaria glares at Meteora}

 **Alicetaria:** One day, your reign will end.

{she flies away}

 **Meteora:** Well up yours too, LARPer.

 **Blitz:** Well, time to hit the old dusty trail.

 **Yuuya:** Get back here, you old fart!

 **Blitz:** Toilet humor. How mature.

 **Rui:** WHERE’S MY MAGICAL GIRL!?

* * *

{le office}

 **Yuuya:** So… I stick with you chumps and chances are I get to beat up those stupid idiots.

 **Meteora:** Well, on one hand, he’s at least a better ally than Souta.

 **Yuuya:** I don’t know who this Souta is, but he sounds an awful lot like Syo!

 **Meteora:** Please. Souta’s only a quarter as intelligent as Syo… And surprisingly half as hot.

 **Yuuya:** So ya like him!

 **Meteora:** I will seriously end you if you ever insist that me and Souta are an item.

 **Kikuchihara:** So… Do we know who the killer girl is?

 **Celesia:** Yeah. Souta told us. Her name’s Magane Chikujoin. She’s a villain in a series of horror novels.

 **Meteora:** Also, she has the power to twist her lies into truth just by being called out on them. So we should _probably_ avoid that. Hey! Yuuya! You got that!

 **Yuuya:** She lies a lot, got it!

 **Meteora:** Well _he’s_ not getting a refresher.

 **Kikuchihara:** We will arrange for the creator’s protection.

 **Celesia:** So, do we track her down using the magnetic fields? I mean, if she can mess with reality that easily, she’d be easy to find.

 **Kikuchihara:** No. We have police on that.

 **Meteora:** Oh sure, send the normal meatbag cops out to find a reality warping demon schoolgirl, that’ll end well.

 **Celesia:** Should we really bother though? She said she won’t kill anyone and doesn’t seem intent with allying with the Gestapo Waifu.

 **Meteora:** For the last time, she was lying!

 **Yuuya:** Well, I think she has a point. We’ve all become a little different from when we first appeared, right? So, who knows. Maybe Magane’s tellin’ the truth.

 **Rui:** Hey! Yuuya! We should find that magical girl and hook her up with me!

 **Yuuya:** Only after I beat her into submission with that robot of yours.

 **Rui:** Huh, never tried _that_ with Yuina. Alright.

{They share a bro moment}

 **Celesia:** I thought you said you’re going steady with Yuina.

 **Rui:** Yeah, but then I realized I’m gonna be stuck here and they might presume I’m dead so while Yuina possibly hooks up with someone else, _I’m_ gonna get me a magical girl!

 **Celesia:** Oh jeez.

 **Meteora:** Welcome to my world, Celesia. Well, I still say Magane lying is about as likely as Souta keeping a secret from us.

* * *

{le apartment}

 **Magane:** Hey! I’m gonna raid the fridge, alright? I’ve also taken the liberty of writing a new chapter of that book you’re writing! Buuuut I can’t fly so… It’s useless to me. Well, love to stay and chat, but you're so...

{cue a shot of a hanging corpse}

 **Magane:** _Hung_ _up!_

{she leaves, laughing}

 **Magane:** I crack myself up sometimes.

{le other apartment}

* * *

 **Nakanogane:** So the doctors told me I need to see a… fair-a-pissed?

 **Marine:** Therapist.

 **Matsubara:** What the hell is that, even?

 **Marine:** Someone who you go talk to when things are going sad. Like for instance, Souta here has been feeling like-

 **Souta:** Oh! Right! Blitz! That old man with the gun! Code:Babylon!

 **Marine:** Ooooh yeah! And his creator is Shunma! Ooooh, he’s so cool! I can’t wait to see who he looks like!

 **Matsubara:** Nice dodge. If I had your swagger, I’d probably lasted a few more months with Marine.

 **Nakanogane:** So… Should we get to finding out who the Military Uniform Princess is?

 **Souta:** You mean the Gestapo Waifu?

 **Nakanogane:** Well, actually, I did some googling, and she doesn’t actually wear anything resembling a Nazi. Yes, she shares similar clothing, but not outright symbols.

 **Matsubara:** Alright, then, smarty pants! Explain to us what _else_ you found.

 **Nakanogane:** Well-

 **Marine:** Oh! Right! Souta, you draw, right?

 **Matsubara:** Nice dodge.

 **Souta:** Eeeh, somewhat. Mostly lewds so…

 **Marine:** AWESOME! We should compare notes! You going to Comiket?

 **Souta:** Eeeeh, nah. I don’t feel like my art’s up to snuff.

 **Matsubara:** Isn’t there some kinda site for you to upload your art and get the constructive criticism you need?

{Suddenly flashbacks}

_Site… Site… Site…_

{flashes back to Souta’s art}

_Constructive... Constructive… Constructive…_

{flashes back to a single comment on his art}

_Criticism… Criticism… Criticism…_

{flashes back to a chatlog}

 **Souta:** … I suddenly don’t feel too well. I’m gonna pop by home and see if my mom needs me to take out the trash. And you know me, I have tons of waifus in the trash, hahaha…

{he leaves}

 **Nakanogane:** We don’t actually know him, do we?

 **Matsubara:** Nnnnnnnnnnope.

 **Marine:** Well… That was awkward.

 **Nakanogane:** Right, back to that whole Military Uniform Princess thing.

{they see a whole bunch of people in military uniforms}

 **Nakanogane:** It’s sort of a meme. You know the keyhole sweater thing?

 **Matsubara:** My entire relationship crumbled because of that!

 **Marine:** No way in hell was I gonna wear that!

{buzz}

 **Matsubara:** Sup?

 **Celesia:** Sooooo, Magane’s creator killed himself.

 **Meteora:** She murdered him!

 **Celesia:** Anyways, just so you know.

{click}

 **Matsubara:** Sooo… I guess we’ll call for a meeting then?

 **Nakanogane:** Yeah.

* * *

{le train}

 **Souta:** Damn feels.

 **Mamika:** Hello, conflicted person, have you heard of our lord and saviour Itsabom?

{he sees Mamika in a cat hoodie}

 **Souta:** Oh… Umm…

 **Mamika:** {uses the stare}

 **Souta:** Please don’t do that. I _just_ had heart surgery from your preceding series!

* * *

 

{le café}

 **Maid:** Oooh, what a lovely girlfriend you have,

 **Souta:** Oh, well-

 **Maid:** is what I _would_ say if she didn’t dye her hair like a damn foreigner! Jesus, wait until graduation at least.

{She leaves}

 **Mamika:** Ignore her, my son. She is blinded by a prophet of God.

 **Souta:** Can you, um, _not_ call me son? It’s awkward.

 **Mamika:** So, I shall begin with the Book of Genesis. In the beginning, there was raw Japanese footage of men in spandex beating men in rubber suits. And the lord said, let it be dubbed. And so, it was done. The legend of the powerful rangers had made Itsabom millions and he lived in prosperity until a mouse approached him and tempted him to eat the fruit from the tree of corporate business…

 **Souta:** Look, Mamika-

 **Mamika:** Molly.

 **Souta:** _Mamika_.

 **Mamika:** Why do you insist on using my slave name?

 **Souta:** Because it isn’t! Your name is a symbol of hope for the kids!

 **Mamika:** Kids who need to know the wonders of Itsabom!

 **Souta:** No, they don’t! Kids only enjoy what they see on screen. They don’t care if you spoke in English or Japanese, or if your blood is suddenly neon pink colored for no reason. They don’t need to know the intricates of dubs vs subs. Let the people in America worry about that.

 **Mamika:** Oh no… Your mind’s corrupted by relying on raw Japanese. I’m afraid I can’t save you. May Itsabom have mercy on your poor unfortunate soul when Chapter 11 Bankruptcy day comes.

{meanwhile Magane in the same restaurant}

 **Magane:** Get dumped on!


	8. A Better Life Full of Innocence and Childlike Wonder

{le meeting place}

 **Nakanogane:** So I have called everyone here to discuss the Military Uniform Princess-

 **Everyone Else:** Gestapo Waifu.

 **Nakanogane:** Whatever! After digging around various fansites, I was able to conclude the true identity of her. Her name is Altair and she is basically a palette swap of a character from the mobile game Megalosphere. What’s weird is that the character is a rare five-star drop that only appears for one week every year.

 **Yuuya:** She doesn’t look anything _like_ her!

 **Nakanogane:** Exactly. She started out as a palette swap, but then people drew her more and more until we got the Military Uniform Princess.

 **Meteora:** And the fact that she’s based off a hard to obtain character means that she split off from her rather quickly, becoming her own character with her own story.

 **Nakanogane:** And then there’s her direct creator, Shimazaki Setsuna. The search I made of her showed that she had worked with the creators of Megalosphere, meaning she knew of the character’s existence. Not only that, but she had some… colorful opinions on politics and law. Things that made her pretty infamous in the community. What makes this weird is that, after Setsuna’s video featuring Altair, no new stories about Setsuna emerged and she has been offline for three months. It’s like Setsuna vanished from the world.

 **Meteora:** She killed herself.

{everyone just looks at her}

 **Meteora:** She got bullied by her peers over her opinions, made this music video as a last ditch effort to gain a following, then killed herself soon after. Grief-stricken, Altair wants to destroy the world that rejected Setsuna. There. We solved the mystery.

 **Kikuchihara:** Well, time to move to the next part of the meeting. Bring them in!

{two people appear}

 **Kikuchihara:** Here are two of the creators we managed to round up. Shunma Suruga, creator of Code Babylon, and Ryo Yatoji, creator of Underground Dark Night. I should note that these are just their pen names.

 **Matsubara:** Pfffft, pen names. Anyone who uses pen names are just cowards, right Marine?

 **Marine:** … {she just glares before looking to Shunma} So you’re a girl! This just makes all my fantasies much more exciting!

 **Shunma:** Oh, um… Wow. Am I getting hit on?

 **Matsubara:** Anyways, name’s Matsubara, creator of only the most popular light novel series to hit the shelves.

 **Ryo:** You mean the one where two of the volumes contained an incest subplot and near rape as a major plot point?

 **Matsubara:** {blushes} Yeeeaaaah… Admittedly, those were missteps and I’m considering remaking the series… I’ll probably add a subtitle like… Progressive or-

 **Ryo:** More like _Re_ gressive. Look, we make screw ups all the time, but not ones so big that people jokingly refer to your light novel series as a harem genre.

 **Matsubara:** I’ll have you know that Charon’s one true love interest is Celesia!

 **Celesia:** Though… come to think of it, that _would_ explain why his cousin would suddenly have the hots for him.

 **Yuuya:** Oi oi oi oi oi oi oi! Can we stop bitching about some cheesy novel series!

 **Ryo:** Dude, you make a really good Yuuya.

 **Yuuya:** That’s because I _am_ Yuuya, ya dipshit!

 **Ryo:** Then prove it, ya chuuni.

 **Yuuya:** Gladly! HANGAKU!

{she appears and goes to grab Ryo by the collar}

 **Ryo:** OH SHI-

* * *

 

**Re:Abridgers**

**Matsubara:** KICK HIS ASS, HANGAKU!

* * *

 

{le house}

 **Souta:** Can’t believe I got dumped by a magical girl. I thought I’d be the coolest guy and get all the ladies. {sighs} Well, at least I have you, Gestapo Waifu.

 **Souta’s Mom:** {off screen} Souta! The Inko diet isn’t working! I’m not getting as fat as her! I’m gonna have to flee the country, but that’s okay, I know you’re a responsible young boy who knows what he’s doing!

 **Souta:** Alright mom!

{No, seriously, we never see his mom after the first episode, so screw it, this is where she leaves}

* * *

 

{le park}

 **Souta:** W-wait, what?

 **Meteora:** So, I decided to teleport us here while a dude is getting beaten up by a ghost girl. We managed to find out who the Gestapo Waifu is and who made her. Unfortunately, it’s most likely that the creator is dead so we’re sort of at a dead end.

 **Souta:** Ah, nice, erm… Well, I best be off.

{she turned to Souta}

 **Meteora:** You know, {she grabbed his hand} I’m kinda feeling sorry about accusing you of withholding information.

 **Souta:** Oh… y-yeah.  

 **Meteora:** I think… we _can_ be friends.

 **Souta:** Like, someone who can help sort out feelings, because I have a lot of those.

 **Meteora:** Erm… not what I mean-

 **Souta:** Like, I have a friend who has a best friend who has a lot of talent and that friend is super jelly of the other friend so he starts being cold to her but I never really meant it!

 **Meteora:** … Did you seriously just try the “I have a friend but that friend is really me” approach, _then_ just outed that the friend is you?

 **Souta:** Look, I just got dumped by a magical girl! On the first date! And it wasn’t even an actual date, she tried to convert me! I’m supposed to have a harem!

 **Meteora:** {gets up} And how would having multiple girls benefit you? If anything, it complicates matters. It’s best to stick to one girl and be with them. And just to let you know, I’m _best_ girl.

* * *

 

{YE OLDE EPIC FANTASY HEROUNKNOWN’S BATTLEGROUNDS!}

 **Alicetaria:** You! Mighty dragon! You’re the last of the army threatening this kingdom! FALL BEFORE GOD’S LIGHTNING!

{lightning strikes the dragon and kills it}

 **Alicetaria:** Knave! What is the status of the nearby village?

 **Knave:** Burnt to the ground.

 **Alicetaria:** And the peasants?

 **Knave:** Slaughtered like animals.

 **Alicetaria:** Then this is just an average day in my ordinary life! A never-ending crusade against the forces of evil that results in everyone being raped, eaten, or killed! THIS! IS! EPIC!

 **Mamika:** Erm… Alice?

* * *

 

{le real world rooftop}

 **Mamika:** You kinda dozed off and started muttering about non-consensual hugging and sending people to the Void Dimension.

 **Alicetaria:** Mamika, did you just skin a tiger and are wearing it like a pelt? Because if so, I am blown away.

 **Mamika:** W-what!? No. This is a cute cat hoodie I got from some random kids after trying to talk to them about Itsabom. They referred to me as Mamika, though, so I failed in getting through to them.

 **Alicetaria:** Ah. Never mind. Still, what you did the other day took real guts. I’m kinda proud. At first, I thought you were some crazy priestess preaching about a demon, but you really are just a sweet kid wanting to teach people your way of life.

 **Mamika:** Y-yeah… This place… it’s really beautiful.

 **Alicetaria:** Yes. From afar, away from the common rabble, this world is awe-inspiring. My world contained only darkness and ashes, but here, there’s actual colors other than red and black. There’s green, blue, yellow… This world has so many radiant colors. And yet… the people who flood this world are just as weary of life and dishonorable as the people in my world. They _need_ your guidance, Molly.

{sweet music plays}

 **Mamika:** You referred to me by my true name! That’s amazing, Alice!

 **Alicetaria:** I think we can take on the world. I’ll defeat the monsters and you’ll bring peace to the people. Together, we’ll be stronger.

 **Mamika:** I’m glad I was put on this earth, Alice. It gave me the chance to meet you and realize what a wonderful woman you are. I _really_ like you, Alice.

{the music goes to a screeching halt}

 **Alicetaria:** Okay, I’m gonna stop you there. I don’t know how relationships in your world work, but where I’m from, love is only between a man and a woman. That’s just how life is.

 **Mamika:** O-oh, y-y-yeah… I-I-I mean, Itsabom’s word is that we c-c-can’t really love each other anyways. We’d have to be cousins for that to work o-or you’d have to be a man. Eheheh… W-well, I… can’t take it anymore, goodbye Alice!

{she jumps off the roof before turning into a magical girl and flying off}

 **Alicetaria:** The hell?!

* * *

 

{le streets}

 **Souta:** This is just horrible! I’ve been dumped, and my only advice is to just take _one_ girl! ONE! Who’s going to be my _one_ girl!?  

 **Maid:** Heeeey, wanna join a maid café?

 **Souta:** Not right now, I’m busy brooding over my love life.

 **Maid:** You suuure? I can turn your world upside down, little boy.

{Souta looks to see that it’s Magane}

 **Souta:** Holy crap, you adjusted to this world _real_ fast! … Wait, did you kill someone to get that outfit?

 **Magane:** What? No. I went in and got the job like normal. Those guys were _desperate_ for a cute girl like me!

 **Souta:** Well that’s a-

 **Magane:** Damn it! The one time I tell the truth, and someone thought it’s a lie! Aaaargh, it’s so hard to pull this off! Come here, boy!

{She drags him into an alleyway}

 **Magane:** Okay, so, I’m gonna be blunt, I only got this job to blend in better. Turns out that killing that clerk in cold blood only caused the police to be on the look out for me, so I had to hide. As I did, though, I managed to hear some rather interesting stuff. Like your chat with Meteora, or your… heh… ‘date’ with Mamika or Molly or whatever she wants to be called now.

 **Souta:** You just wanna rub it in, aren’t you?

 **Magane:** You think of yourself as the protagonist to a harem anime. I mean, it makes sense, right? Our cast ratio right now shows that females outweigh males. Most of them fit into archetypes as well. But the truth is, this _isn’t_ a harem anime and you _aren’t_ the protagonist. {as she says this, she rips up papers} We’re just puppets of a greater show. {then throws them. She then closes in on Souta} _Buuut_ I guess I can humor you. I need a boytoy, after all. {she takes his phone and with her phone, adds numbers and slaps them together} There! {gives Souta his phone} Let’s go on a date tonight, okay?

 **Souta:** … HOLY SHIT! I GOT MAGANE’S NUMBER!

{he hyperventilates}

* * *

 

{le lair}

 **Altair:** It’s funny, I haven’t done anything in a while.

 **Mamika:** Hello, do you have time to talk about our lord and savior Itsabom?

 **Altair:** And who are you?

 **Mamika:** I am his prophet, Molly! Also known as Glimmer Plucky! Alice told me of this place, but I have not bothered to check it out until today.

 **Altair:** I have no intent on signing onto a false religion based off exporting anime and bastardizing it for children.

 **Mamika:** Of course, you wouldn’t. No one does. The only one who cares is Alice, and I can’t even get my own feelings right with her. That’s why I need help. I want to know if what I’m doing is right. If Americanizing the world is the right thing to do.

 **Altair:** I don’t care what your plans are. You go about your business. Disturb the yoke of the world. It doesn’t matter if they eat onigiri or jelly donuts. In the end, once that yoke is displaced, the universe and everyone in it will be destroyed. _That_ is what I wish for. Sure, it’s petty, but this world rejected my mother. They are the reason she is no longer with us. That pain is a deeper wound than your unrequited love. I am death, the destroyer of worlds. This is the story I have created for myself, for Setsuna died, leaving no story of my own to follow.

 **Mamika:** Then you and I aren’t so different! I used to be Magical Slayer Mamika, but when I was released into this world, I realized how dark the worlds like mine are. Girls being corrupted by aliens, girls killing each other, d-dying… Then I saw Itsabom’s work. No one dies, no one suffers, everyone is happy! … I thank you, good sir, you reminded me of why I’m doing what I am. At the cost of my own happiness, I’ll make sure everyone has a better life full of innocence and childlike wonder. I want you to join me. Together, we’ll give Serena the happy ending she deserves!

{a brief pause happens before she is stabbed… by multiple swords}

 **Mamika:** Oh God! There’s so much blood! Itsabom is gonna need to censor so much!

 **Altair:** You _dare_ give her such a filthy name? Her name is Setsuna! If you refer to her by that stupid name again, I swear to my mom I will-

 **Mamika:** B-but Serena...

 **Altair:** ... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

{cut to outside in which the warehouse blows up, the pink explosion recolored to be more bluish silver.}

{To be continued}


	9. Your Reign of Terror Ends Tonight!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's an awkward date night for Souta.

{night time}

 **Mamika:** I… can’t believe… I survived that…

{meanwhile, below}

 **Magane:** Well, nothing beats a good ol’ corndog.

{suddenly there’s blood on it and then a ribbon… followed by Mamika falling}

 **Magane:** Welp. Guess it’s gonna be that kinda night.

* * *

**Re:Abridgers**

* * *

{le park}

 **Magane:** Yo! Girly!

{she sees Mamika}

 **Magane:** Daaaamn, you got fucked up!

 **Mamika:** H-help me…

 **Magane:** Really? You don’t remember me? I’m that crazy psycho bitch that nearly killed your friend? You think I’m gonna actually help?

 **Mamika:** Pl-please… She’s… she’s trying to… destroy the world…

 **Magane:** I honestly have no idea what’s going on.

{suddenly lance comes down like a kinetic bomb}

 **Magane:** Oh shit!

 **Alicetaria:** And lo, do I make an entrance!

 **Magane:** Yo, your friend’s bleeding out.

 **Alicetaria:** Wait what!?

{she turns to see Mamika}

 **Alicetaria:** What happened!?

{she goes to pick up Mamika}

 **Alicetaria:** Who did this to you!?

 **Mamika:** Alice… It’s… you…

 **Alicetaira:** D-don’t worry, young magical girl… I’m here.

 **Mamika:** P-please… stop her… from… destroying the… world…

{and then she dies. Alicetaria cries for a bit, then becomes silent}

 **Alicetaria:** Who… Who did this!?

{she turns to Magane}

 **Magane:** Wait, don’t you hate me for being a lying son of a bitch?

 **Alicetaria:** Molly trusted you enough to relay her dying wish. For her sake, I’ll trust you too.

 **Magane:** Well… She _did_ say that she was trying to blow up the world. Of course I don’t mean Molly, but someone else.

 **Alicetaria:** The Queen!?

 **Magane:** Yeah, sure, whatever.

 **Alicetaria:** {automatic text to speech voice} Okay, I believe you. {back to normal voice} She despised us from the very beginning. Of course… She silenced my friend so that her rule can go unopposed… She shall pay dearly for this!

{she flies off}

 **Magane:** Welp, I’m already bored. Time for to meet my boy toy.

* * *

{later that night}

 **Souta:** W-wow, Magane, you actually remembered me.

 **Magane:** Yeah, I have some weird shit to tell you. Yo, how about a drink?

 **Souta:** Sure!

 **Magane:** {after drinking} Man, ever since I came to this world, no one’s challenged me like Sakagami did. I mean, yeah, there were those two bitches, but they were pushovers. So, {she tosses out the can} let’s talk about why you were so pouty the other day.

 **Souta:** {immediately pouts}

 **Magane:** Hey, hey, don’t be like that. I watched someone die tonight and you don’t see _me_ be an emo about it.

 **Souta:** Wait, what!?

 **Magane:** Yeah, yeah, some rando was bleeding out and speaking non-sense. But then she died and I was forced to relay the information to her friend. The way you’re looking at me, it’s like _you_ killed someone.

 **Souta:** … Maybe I did.

 **Magane:** Woah. Just… Woah.

 **Souta:** I know. I’m scum. There was… someone I scorned long ago. And… I can’t apologize for it.

 **Magane:** Ah, woman scorned. So this isn’t your first rodeo then? Don’t worry, I can take rejection well.

 **Souta:** W-well, no… It’s not that… Look, forget I said anything.

 **Magane:** Okay… But first, you’re gonna call up your friends and say how Meteora is a villain.

 **Souta:** We kinda already know that though. We just let her do what she wants because no one’s dared talk back at her and lived.

 **Magane:** … Oh. But… Like, it’s a lie.

 **Souta:** It really isn’t. I mean, she’s a bit of a twat.

 **Magane:** Well, that was a bust…

{silence}

 **Magane:** Okay, seriously, I’m now broke for ideas for this date.

 **Souta:** Um… Maybe we exchange gifts. I bought you that coke.

 **Magane:** Alright. I have this dirty rag.

 **Souta:** Holy shit! That’s bloody!

 **Magane:** Yeah, nicked it off that dying girl.

 **Souta:** W-wait, girl?

 **Magane:** Yeah, that dumb broad who keeps spouting about that dubbing company.

 **Souta:** Mamika… no…

 **Magane:** Dude, you should have seen the pool of blood. She was so tiny and yet so much blood! Some got on my corndog! Man, was _that_ delish! Oh, right, Meteora might have killed her.

 **Souta:** W-what!? I mean, we know she’s a bitch, but she’s not _that_ mean!

 **Magane:** Look who you’re talking to.

 **Souta:** Wait, did _you_ kill Mamika?

 **Magane:** Pfft, I wish. What would I gain from killing the adorable chatterbox?

 **Souta:** You’re a freaking serial killer! There’s _no_ reason for you _not_ to kill her!

 **Magane:** Fair point. Then again, the shoe would be on the other foot if you guys _did_ kill her. I mean, what were you planning to do once you beat the bad guys? Haul them off to jail? Like _that_ ends well. You should ask Meteora once she’s done washing her hands.

 **Souta:** You killed your author, didn’t you?!

 **Magane:** Nah, I found him hanging around like that. Heh… Hanging around. Sooooo… Murder Mystery time? Her death was caused by a chemical reaction of someone meeting another. If you look too much into it, you’ll uncover an inconvenient truth.

 **Souta:** Al Gore killed her!?

 **Magane:** Hell no! He isn’t competent enough to kill a baby!

 **Souta:** Okay, so that probably just leaves the Gestapo Waifu.

 **Magane:** The who?

 **Souta:** You know, the big evil bad guy in a Nazi uniform? The one that my best friend drew before she killed herself and I blamed myself heavily for… {he soon realizes what he said} Oh shit. {he sinks to his knees}

 **Magane:** Ooooh! You _do_ have secrets! So… that makes it, what? Two people you killed? Hell, if her creation is the cause of all of us coming here, then I guess you’re also responsible for that shopkeeper getting killed. And my creator killing himself can be on your hands too. But hey, that’s alright. That just makes you even _more_ of a best match with me. {she proceeds to femdom him} Once we take care of that Nazo fuck, we can live out the rest of our days being just normal people living quiet lives. What do you say!

 **Souta:** Oh! Oh wow! Y-yes! This is the best night EVER!

 **Yuuya:** Hey! Keep it down! Some of us are trying to brood!

{Yuuya appears}

 **Yuuya:** Oh, hey nerd. Hey evil student girl. Sorry to interrupt your coitus, but I’m itchin’ for a fight and I’m tired of bitchin’ about it.

 **Magane:** Wait your turn, boyo!

 **Yuuya:** How about… Nope!

{He rushes into battle, as does Magane, suddenly Meteora came}

 **Meteora:** Sup, here to save your dumb ass.

 **Souta:** How could you!? That was the best night ever and you and that asshole had to ruin it! We were so happy together! I found myself the best waifu!

 **Meteora:** … Well somebody dun [EFF!] up. Hate to say I’m right, but I am right. You know, I want to rub in the fact that you withheld information about the Gestapo Waifu. We have jack and shit to work with and the one person who could make this problem a non-problem is also the person who doesn’t want to share information about it. People were dying left and right and the one person who could stop all that was _you_. Hell, I don’t think even _slapping_ you would be cathartic enough. I just want you to sit there and think long and hard about the fact that you’ve withheld information about a world ending threat for some stupid reason. Now tell me… What _is_ that stupid reason?

 **Souta:** … Because she was my friend’s last creation before she committed suicide.

 **Meteora:** … Well now I feel like a jackass. Well, _more_ of a jackass than usual.

* * *

**Yuuya:** Damn! How can a high schooler like you be able to dodge so much!?

 **Magane:** I drink milk!

 **Yuuya:** Well you won’t be drinkin’ after this! HYAH!

{he swings his sword… only for Magane to no sell it}

 **Magane:** Yaaaawn, get on my level, scrub.

{Meteora flies down}

 **Meteora:** Yo, you couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with that hit, Yuuya!

 **Yuuya:** But I know someone who does! **HANGAKU!**

{he summons Hangaku and fight ensues}

 **Alicetaria:** You know who else can!?

{Sudden Alicetaria kinetic bombs the entire area and lands in a badass manner with smoke clouds and everything}

 **Alicetaria:** Meteora… Your reign of terror ends tonight!


End file.
